Decision Making in Corporate America (A Humorous Parody)

Employee: I have to go to the bathroom. How many squares of toilet paper am I allowed to use?

Manager: What does the policy say?

Employee: Let me look that up… the policy says, “… employees needing toilet paper may use two (2) squares of toilet paper for ‘number one,’ and four (4) squares of toilet paper for ‘number two.’ In the event that the employee has to go ‘number two’ and if the amount of excrement exceeds normal limits, the employee may use up to three (3) additional squares of toilet paper. If the resulting odor is beyond the toleration of any reasonable person within smelling distance, a courtesy flush is required by policy. If the employee fails to follow the policy, the employee is subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination.”

Manager: Do you have to go “number one” or “number two?”

Employee: I – err – have to go “number two.” [squirms]

Manager: You may use four squares of toilet paper.

Employee: But sir… the toilet paper in the stall is double ply. Does that mean that I can only use two squares?

Manager: Hmmm… what does the policy say about that?

Employee: The policy doesn’t specify a parameter based on whether the toilet paper is single or double ply, Sir.

Manager: Well, what have we done in the past?

Employee: I’m not sure.

Manager: What is the date of that policy, anyway?

Employee: The most recent revision (rev_ 12.2.3a) was September 1997

Manager: What?! You mean to tell me that nobody has revised our Toilet Paper Policy in 14 years?! This is ludicrous! I want you to form a project team on this. I want you to pull together your team, develop a project plan, and make sure you include milestones, deadlines, key stakeholders and a cost-benefit analysis. Once you have your project team together, I want you to meet on a weekly basis, and I want you to give me daily detailed updates on your progress to goals on this project. And I want you to have a sub-team that is solely dedicated to developing a detailed matrix for toilet paper usage. Make sure you use lots of snappy acronyms and buzz words. Before you commit anything to paper, I want you to identify your key stakeholders and conduct a series of focus groups with them. Once you’re ready to develop your first draft, I want you to flush it out with me, word-by-word. Then we’ll float it by the executives. When we get their buy-in, I want you to be ready with a launch plan. I don’t want to launch all at once – I want you to choose a small group as a pilot first. Then we’ll tweak it based on their feedback. Do you understand?

Employee: Yes, Sir. Um, sir?

Manager: What?!

Employee: How many squares of toilet paper may I use?? [sweating…]

Manager: The policy is quite vague on this issue. I think you ought to have all toilet paper removed from the bathrooms. Compose an email to employees explaining the toilet tissue issue and that, temporarily, we’re asking them to bring their own toilet paper to work. Make it sound like a good thing… you know – an opportunity to bring a little bit of home into the workplace! How nice! But I want to review the email before you send it out. Do you understand?

Employee: Yes, Sir. Um… SIR? [sweating profusely]

Manager: What now?

Employee: I didn’t bring any toilet paper to work with me today. How many squares can I … um, use? [PANIC!]

Manager: Considering the sensitive nature of this conundrum… I think that for today, you should not use the company lavatories. What would other employees think if they saw YOU using company toilet paper when they cannot? No. That would make us look bad. For today – just walk across the street to McDonald's.

SIX MONTHS LATER…

Employee: Sir, we’ve completed our project, and we now have a new Toilet Paper Policy (Rev_12.2.4f).

Manager: I want you to put together a set of Power Point slides that I can use to present to the executive board. Make sure you highlight what has changed, what the benefit is to the company, the “messaging” to employees and the marketing slick that you’ll use on our corporate intranet. And please email me the final version of the new policy.

DizzyBizzyBots, Inc.
Memo to Employees

We are delighted to announce the revision of the company-wide toilet paper policy. Please be sure to read the entire policy. This policy is in effect immediately. Once you have read it, please print it out, sign it, and turn it into HR for filing in your personnel file. There are lots of new, exciting developments in this policy, and you will see a theme of the company’s ongoing commitment to utilizing modern technology in the workplace. I’m sure you are as pleased as we are!

Regards,

The Management
(attachment)

TOILET PAPER POLICY (Rev_12.2.4f)
Purpose: The purpose of this policy is to define appropriate usage of company toilet paper.
Section I: Overview
DizzyBizzyBots is an employee-focused company, and one of the benefits we provide to our employees is access to our lavatories. Each stall is equipped with a roll of deluxe single-ply toilet paper shipped in from our special manufacturer in China.

Of course we are sensitive to our employees, and we put this policy through a rigorous due diligence process to make sure that it is not discriminatory in any way. We do not want our female employees to feel like they are being treated any differently, and we want to ensure that our cross-dressing employees feel comfortable. So in an effort to promote “equity and equality” and to provide a non-discriminatory workplace, we are happy to announce that we have installed urinals in all of the ladies’ restrooms.

Section II: Trees Under Repair Directive (T.U.R.D.) Decision Matrix “How Many Squares to Spare?”

• If "Event" is #1 (females only), 2 squares are budgeted. Exceptions - 0 squares budgeted when the urinal is used
• If "Event" is #2*, 4 squares are budgeted. Exceptions - if excrement is greater than 3 ounces, 3 additional squares are permitted.
• If "Event" is #3, use the bathroom at McDonald's

*If the resulting odor is beyond the toleration of any reasonable person within smelling distance, a courtesy flush is required by policy. If the employee fails to follow the policy, the employee is subject to disciplinary action, up to and including termination from DizzyBizzyBots, Inc.

Section III: Parameters
Employees are permitted to use the lavatory one (1) time every four (4) hours for no longer than five (5) minutes each time. New badge scanners have been installed on each stall door. Each time you enter and exit the stall, you are required to scan your employee ID badge. Your toileting frequency will be tracked online much like your attendance. You will receive two separate emails regarding this new program, called the Innovative Budgeting System (IBS) which is accessible through the company intranet. The first email will contain your unique IBS user ID, and the second email will contain instructions on setting your password. Your IBS password must contain at least one (1) digit, one (1) special character, one (1) CAPS, one(1) lowercase and at least one (1) of your children’s (or pet’s) names. You will be required to create a new & unique password on a weekly basis to ensure security of this proprietary data. There will be a series of training sessions next week; please plan to attend one. At the end of each quarter, managers will receive detailed spreadsheets so that they can review lavatory usage with each employee. Here at DizzyBizzyBots, we are proud to call ourselves a cutting edge company!

DizzyBizzyBots, Inc. cares about the environment, and we are strengthening our resolve to reduce waste by effectively utilizing ground-breaking technologies. You will be happy to learn that in an effort to save the rainforests, we have come up with a plan to reduce paper consumption company-wide! And we are very excited to announce that each toilet paper roll holder has been modified with a new, high-tech sensor. The sensors track how many squares of toilet paper are removed from the roll.

Section IV: PoIicy Enforcement

Managers will be responsible for monitoring employees’ bathroom usage via the IBS and ensuring that employees are adhering to the policy. If your usage is over, then you will be subject to disciplinary action. Please note that if you use the lavatory more than twelve (12) times per week or less than five (5) times per week, management will suspect that you have a health issue, and your health benefits may be terminated. In the event of termination of coverage, there is no need to panic! We are pleased to inform you that you will be eligible to continue your benefits through COBRA at 100% of cost plus a 2% administrative fee. After termination of coverage, your lavatory usage (IBS score) will be closely scrutinized for a period of three (3) months. If your IBS normalizes, we will be more confident that you are healthy, and your coverage will be reinstated. If IBS is exacerbated, your employment at DizzyBizzyBots, Inc. will be terminated for violation of a core company policy. Unfortunately, your termination will be classified “for cause” which will prevent you from collecting unemployment. We realize this sounds harsh, but the Company cares about your health and wellness, and in fact, this is a core concept of our new Wellness Program - Securing Health Innovatively Together System (S.H.I.T.S.). The S.H.I.T.S. kickoff will take place at company headquarters the first of next month. We know that you will enjoy having S.H.I.T.S. in the workplace. We hope that this re-energized policy, hand-in-hand with S.H.I.T.S. will motivate you to make healthy eating choices. To further help you with your wellness, we are offering a free, optional, online survey designed to capture detailed data about your eating habits. This S.H.I.T.S. data will be stored in your electronic employee performance management file. Look for the S.H.I.T.S. link on the intranet today! Please be sure to take the S.H.I.T.S. survey within thirty (30) days. If you do not take the survey within seven (7) days, you will receive a friendly reminder email, text message and voicemail message three (3) times per day, every day for the remainder of the fiscal year until you take the survey. When you take the survey, you acknowledge release of this data to the Company. To clarify, once you click submit, the company owns your S.H.I.T.S. We have outsourced analysis of S.H.I.T.S. to a group of nutritionists overseas that will evaluate each employee’s eating habits on a yearly basis. This S.H.I.T.S. evaluation will count as 85% towards your performance review and it may impact your future health insurance premium rates and/or eligibility for health insurance provided by the Company. Those employees who choose not to participate in this optional survey forfeit their yearly salary raise and will be automatically enrolled in the high-deductible health insurance plan. If you have any questions about anything related to the S.H.I.T.S., please see our newly-hired S.H.I.T.S. Program Administrator in HR. Of course we welcome your feedback. Click the “Talk S.H.I.T.S.“ button on the webpage to submit your comments! We do not make such policy decisions lightly, and to make sure that our business practices are competitive, we have hired an independent consulting firm to evaluate our wellness program, and their experts have ensured us that our S.H.I.T.S. is good!

Just as we are an environmentally-friendly company, we expect our employees to play their part. And so we gently encourage you to be conservative in your toilet paper consumption and participate in our new environmental program - Trees Under Repair Directive (T.U.R.D.). Please refer to the T.U.R.D. matrix above. If you use more than the budgeted number of squares of toilet paper, you will see a deduction on your paycheck of $4 per square. Your electronic IBS file will be flagged if your T.U.R.D. overage exceeds ten (10) squares. If this happens, you will be subject to additional disciplinary action, up to and including termination from DizzyBizzyBots, Inc.

EIGHT MONTHS LATER…

DizzyBizzyBots, Inc.
Confidential Memo to Executive Staff

The final year-end financial results are in, and they are very disappointing. Sales have plunged to a record low, our stock price plopped down 20 points, and the main culprit was the corporate-wide toilet paper policy issue. The existing policy was outdated and clearly not detailed enough. Management pulled in too many resources to form a project team to try and solve the problem. Management expected a quick data dump to solve the issue, but the costly Innovative Budgeting System (IBS) project, which featured a re-vamp of the company’s Toilet Paper Policy, the launch of a new online tracking tool and implementation of S.H.I.T.S. turned into a long-lasting, explosive event that stopped up the works causing increased absenteeism, a huge plunge in employee morale and productivity is virtually constipated. Further inflaming the issue was the class action lawsuit filed against the Company by a group of employees who allegedly suffered a rash of blistering pustules caused (allegedly) by the lead-tainted toilet paper we procured from The Happy Bottoms Asswipe Company’s manufacturer in China. This does sound bleak, but there is a silver lining! I am pleased to report that none of our Executives have experienced any discomfort on their bottoms. Fortunately, we made a sound executive decision NOT to stock Asswipe’s toilet paper in the executive baths; we continued to provide luxury, high-end quilted, angel soft wipes for our back ends. Of course, this was a smart decision … we must always protect the bottom line.

Back to the facts… the company’s profits got flushed down the toilet. In order to cut costs, we will have to reduce the workforce by 40%. We will use the S.H.I.T.S., T.U.R.D. and IBS data dumps to identify the employees to be laid off. As an additional cost-saving action, we have decided to cancel raises for employees this year. This is bad news, but we must stay motivated to put on a good face for the employee population. With that being said, in an effort to raise morale, executive bonuses will still be paid out, and I am pleased to announce that they have increased 5% over last year’s.

Regards,

Clybert C. Dizzy, CEO